Wonkaland Gets Smashed By Stormamajig

Yes, this is my new blog. Yes, this is the first blog post. I’m not going to explain or justify it, though. I want to do it, I want you to read it, and I want a 10% raise. I will say that a “piffle” is just a bit of nonsense. So that’s what you should expect from this. Now, enough setup. Here’s the plot.

A cyclone or hurricane or something hit Myanmar or Burma or somewhere this weekend, and the death toll is 22,000 or 100,000 or some number. There may seem to be a bit of uncertainty in the previous sentence, but I’m actually just attempting to represent the various sides of the issue.

You see, there’s a bigger problem here than just the fact that either 22,000 or 100,000 people maybe died or passed away in the country of Myanmar or Burma. It’s a huge communication problem that the nation that got hit by the storm thingy is facing, as we in America don’t really enjoy agreeing with them on nearly anything.

While thousands of Myanburms huddle together for warmth after a disaster that makes Hurricane Katrina look like one guy sneezing on another, the media frantically scramble to figure out just what the hell to call the country. You see, in the not-too-distant past, Myanmar was called Burma. Or Burma was called Burma. Holy balls, this is hard to write. Okay, from here on out, I will refer to that present-day country I’m trying to speak of as “Wonkaland.”

Anyway, back in early 1989, Wonkaland was known as Burma. All the people of Burma were called “Burmese,” and most of them made drugs. Burma was a huge exporter of opium and poppy-seed bagels, and America pretty much just ignored them, much like the nation was a crazy homeless guy masturbating in the subway. If you don’t look at them, they’ll just do their business and only affect the guy right next to them. But then, in June of 1989, the Burma’s military took over the country and decided that it should henceforth be known as Myanmar. The Burmese were not thrilled. No one wants to be Burmese one day and Myanmartian the next. So, in an act of defiance, the newly-dubbed Myanmartyrs sighed quietly to themselves and got really, really high.

Meanwhile, the leading nations of the world took notice and did what they always do when a military dictatorship is founded. They shook their fingers at the new government and said they refused to recognize them, which didn’t bother the Myanmarterian military too much, since it’s a lot easier to get away with shit if no one recognizes you. So, they said Myanmar, we said tomato, and we called the whole thing off.

So now Wonkaland sits in limbo, and we can’t agree on anything. First they called what hit them a cyclone, then somebody said hurricane, and now everyone is confused. Also, the Wonkaland government released a statement saying an estimated 22,000 people were killed by the storm. In a surprise counter offer, the American government released a statement saying 100,000 were killed, although the U.S. government admits that America was not in Wonkaland at the time.

This disagreement has led Wonkaland to refuse any help from the United States. President Bush II urged the country to “tear down this wall,” though which wall he was speaking of is unclear. What he probably meant was “let us help you.” Wonkaland said that they would rather handle it on their own, and have no interest in living in FEMA trailers for years on end. President Bush then replied, “Fine. Live in the Superdome for all I care,” at which point Dana Perino had a heart attack. Plans are apparently underway to squash Wonkaland before it can either create WMDs, or get too Muslim.

The respective governments of Wonkaland and America are in talks to set up a meeting to resolve these differences of opinion, but neither country can decide on what restaurant they should meet at.