Bush All About Stopping Other People's Wars

Earlier this week, President Bush sent Condoleeza Rice to Georgia to tell Russia just what is wrong with their war. Now, I'm all for giant, flagrant, incandescent acts of hypocrisy. Just the other day I used my mounted fox to beat the hell out of a taxidermist. But, really, Bush is gonna send... wait. I have to say this in a caveman voice. Bush send Condy lady make stop fightings? Krug confused and violent.

Rice even went so far as to say that Russia's actions are unacceptable in this day and age, obviously forgetting the two wars she's had a hand in prolonging indefinitely. Now, what makes Russia's attacks in Georgia so wrong? The area of Georgia they invaded, South Ossetia, wants to be part of Russia, but Georgia won't let them. There have been Georgian attacks on Ossetians for years. But America will be damned before we let the Russians go in there and take land that the Georgians say is theirs!

You see, Georgia is a democracy. Since we are also a democracy, that means the only possible government that can work is... you get the picture. So, by no means will a democracy be invaded, even if it is being invaded by another democracy (see: Russian Federation), so sayeth the Lord.

The ground rules have been laid. Bush keeps saying it is unacceptable to invade a democratic nation. I assume he's trying to cover his own ass by throwing that "democratic" word in there to avoid anybody going "Wait! Wait! Didn't you needlessly and pointlessly invade a nation just the other day? Oh, no, that was years ago, wasn't it? What do you mean, 'it's still going on?'"

Iraq's government at the time of the U.S. invasion could best be described as a "Shithole." That made it perfectly okay to invade. Now, with hard work and zero planning, we've managed to turn it into a "Big Ol' Mess of a Shithole," and we all know more words means more gooder governin'.

Bush sending the Rice Brigade to the warzone to smooth things over equates to the part in "Silence of the Lambs" when the FBI enlists the help of Hannibal Lecter to find Buffalo Bill. America (Hannibal) says a bunch of crazy shit, licks its lips, and helps Georgia (Jodi Foster) find a way to stop Russia (Buffalo Bill). Everything's going fine, when all of a sudden America cuts the face off of one of its captors and escapes in an ambulance. Not really sure what that symbolizes, so it will probably happen literally.

So, this is a warning to Georgia. If you want all the people to keep their faces, tell Condoleeza Rice to shut the hell up. Otherwise, America will be coming after you in the sequel, in which you will be played by a different actress who forgets to use a Southern accent.