Fat Old Lady Has 'No Interest in Shaving'

At 2:35 p.m. on Tuesday, local layabout Janice Boyer, 67, finally reached the point at which she does not feel the need to remove unsightly hair from her body.

"Look, I'm like a hundred years old," Boyer said. "There's really no point in keeping up appearances at this point. I'm just letting the kudzu grow where it wants, and let me tell you, that's damn near everywhere."

Boyer ultimately decided to cease shaving when she squeezed into her bathtub Tuesday afternoon, realizing she had finally become so large that she displaced any amount of water present in the tub. Boyer never learned to shave without water, so in response to the tub's impolite attitude toward her girth, Boyer vowed never to use that same ragged razor she's been using since 2002. It really left a lot of hair behind, anyway.

The effects of a ceased shaving regimen were immediately apparent. Boyer went from a slick, manatee-like woman to some kind of horrible forest beast that may or may not have gills. Despite horrified stares in the supermarket and a request to appear on "Ripley's Believe It or Not," Boyer has stayed true to her beliefs, maintaining an utter lack of self-respect. She hasn't even bothered to break all the mirrors in her home in a melodramatic display of psychological collapse.

"People say I need to wear pants now," said Boyer, sporting a skirt that probably fit her when she married her first of three husbands in 1959. "I don't get what the big deal is. Lots of those Middle-Eastern girls don't shave, and look at them. Not the terrorists, I mean. The regular Muslims in the online dating commercials."

Despite Boyer's extreme racism and copious amounts of leg, armpit, and facial hair, she has recently entered a relationship with a strapping young Canadian man of 26.

*Ed. Note: At press time, the Canadian man mentioned in the above article has discovered that Janice Boyer is not, in fact, a bear, and has ceased attempts to tame her.