Movies I Haven't Seen: "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2"

From the opening scene of a coven of witches slowly roasting a child over a garbage-can fire, to the gut-wrenching finale featuring a "Gilmore Girls" reunion amongst a throng of the walking dead, "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" is this summer's must-watch action-horror-explosion blockbuster.

There's really only one adjective that can describe this gorefest: sexy. Sexy, sexy gorefest. Gorefest is a noun. Also, it is impossible to put too many sexies in front of the word gorefest. It's just that sexy. So, let me just sum it up by saying that "Sisterhood" is a (sexy)^n gorefest, where n = infinity. You can't even fathom it with your useless human brain.

The explosions don't seem to stop in this film. Anything that can blow up, does. Even things that can't blow up just explode anyway without regard to the laws of nature or physics. At one point an apple, brough to life by one of the witches (the hot one), jumps onto a train, yells "I'm bad to the core!" and then blows up in a conflagration of death and terror that would spin a normal movie into a spiral of chaotic destruction that none could believe. But this is no normal movie. As you view "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," you reach a new level of consciousness previously only thought to have been acheivable by the deranged. Everything makes sense. The planets align, and you can see them, man! You watch them get in a straight line (you can't see past Jupiter cause it's all fat and blocks the others) and the whole universe shudders, exhales, and you understand the movie. It's some deep stuff. Deep explosions and subtle eloquence.

See, the Traveling Pants are a metaphor. In the 1800s, when this film is set, laws were in place that only allowed men to create pants. Women couldn't even wear pants, lest they face brutal beheading and village-endorsed rape, in that order. So the sisterhood of witches came together in the dead of night and brought some crazy-ass pants to life by sewing them with the hair of a werewolf and washing them in the blood of a man from western Louisiana. Thus, the living pants traveled about the countryside, kicking stuff and disrupting the social order of early America by subtly influencing leaders to make policy decisions that could one day bring about women's suffrage. It's gripping. You're going to cry a bunch.

I would say there are few films as poignant, moving, and violent as "Sisterhood." It's like Quentin Tarantino meets Che Guevara meets Penny Marshall. You will love it.