Army Outsources Arms Dealing to Impressionable Youths

In a move that can only be called quizzical (well, there are actually hundreds of adjectives that describe this move), the Pentagon signed a contract with two baby-faced twentysomethings, paying them roughly $300 million to supply weapons and ammunition to the Afghan army. It comes as no surprise that a hearing ensued to investigate this minor discrepancy.

AEY, Inc., a Mom & Pop arms dealership based in Miami, Florida, a city known for having almost no smuggling whatsoever, received the contract last year, and immediately got to work on arming the Afghanistan military. Well, almost immediately. Soon thereafter.

AEY CEO Efraim Diveroli, a strapping lad of 21, got to work searching through his father's closet, procuring a box of birdshot and a few stray rubberbands. He placed his findings in an 8x11 envelope, addressed it to "Afghanistan Gun People," and shipped it via standard first class mail with a 42-cent stamp. By the time the letter returned to sender, Diveroli had searched through a crawlspace under his house and found an old, rusty shotgun that was likely last used to defend his grandfather's basement speakeasy. Luckily, Diveroli realized his original shipping error and took the gun and ammo straight to the post office, where they helped him place the items in a box with biodegradeable packing peanuts. Crisis averted!

It was not long before the Afghans wanted more bullets and things with which to shoot other things. Diveroli, not realizing that Afghanistan contained more than just one ornery old man in a rocking chair, was beside himself. So, with his 25-year-old "vice president" David Packouz, a "musician" and "massage therapist," in tow, Diveroli proceeded to buy lots of antique ammunition that the Chinese government had found in a lake somewhere or something. He reported to the mostly uninterested U.S. Army that things were running as planned, and that all his ammo was coming from Hungary.

"Great. Hungary. Got it," the Army said. "We're right in the middle of dinner, though. Please call back at the same time tomorrow so we'll have the same excuse not to talk to you."

This continued for months until the House Oversight Committee oversought details pertaining to the contract, and finally told the Army to stop eating so much dinner, get off their asses, and figure out why they'd given a $300 million contract to a couple of typical Miami douchebags with prior grievances filed against them by the Pentagon and records of poor performance. Was that not mentioned earlier? Oh, well then here goes: these two guys already had complaints out against their company, and were on a government watch list for illegal dealing.

In the oversight hearing, the Army stood by its original decision to hire the boys.

"Yeah, sure, they're barely out of college," the Army said. "But we watched them play Call of Duty 4 for, like, two hours. It was crazy. Look, Mr. Judge, have you seen these kids play that game? Shit is nuts!"