And Lo, The Beast Shall Not Take Affirmative for an Answer

As I answered the office phone this morning I made the mistake of speaking into it. Without forethought, I uttered that age-old incantation known even to the darkest spirits as anathema, a phrase so full of power and black magick-with-a-k that reciting it even once can push its speaker to the edge of madness.

"Dr. Jackson's office," I said.

O, what a fool was I! If current knowledge were mine then I would sooner have cut out my tongue than repeat that vile sentence fragment. For I had invited in a harsh presence, a presence which enters through the ears and sets up tents of human skin within the mind. Wasting no time, the beast made its intentions known.

"Hi, this is John from Discover," crawled the voice. "I'd like to send some literature about our Merchant program to your business address."

Literature! Poppycock! The deceit apparent flows like blood from fallen soldiers. But alas, I was blind to it. Perhaps my ignorance was born of an overtrust of humanity. Perhaps it was born of curiosity toward the Discover-John's intentions. It also could've been the iced white mocha I was drinking. It was really good. But regardless! My ignorance drew its sword and cowardly slew my logic before it could even turn around. (My logic had been getting something out of the refrigerator.) Instead of rapidly hanging up, cutting the beast's seduction short, and returning to the welcoming bosom of my white mocha, I allowed Discover-John to continue.

"Okay," I said.

"All right, sir. And who am I speaking with?"

When Satan walks the earth at night, does one offer him an introduction and a friendly handshake? Not if one hopes to return home with as many souls as when he left!

"Aaron."

Minus one soul!

"And your last name, too, please."

"Burdette."

Minus two souls! Would I only gain self control, I might not be down more souls than I even own! But the greedy thing remained unsatiated. Discover-John let forth a series of rapid noises practiced for centuries beyond millennia for the purpose of mesmerizing all within earshot, and my feeble mind could not hope to overcome the bedazzlement. Especially not with that mocha just out of reach.

"Something something our loyal customers... something something to show our appreciation... something something no obligation... something something cancel any time for a full refund."

"Um."

"Okay, great. We'll send this right out to you. I just need to confirm your position in the company and your mailing address."

The creature's word shovel buried my cognition six feet beneath the fields of my reasoning. Yet no raincloud worries breezed through my mind sky. I was under no obligation!

"I'm an assistant."

"Okay, Mr. Burdette, so you're a general employee?"

A synapse of thought fired in my brain!

"Not technically, no. I'm just..."

"We list all general employees as administrators. So I'll just put down that you're an administrator."

Reality warped around me, rending me from this plane and hurling me into a fresh one. Though all within me screamed against it, I knew the truth: I was now an administrator. The power of the creature's words had transformed me! I knew not what my new title held, but I sat with bated breath and forced agreement, foreseeing myself doing some kind of network diagnostic .

"All right," was all I could muster.

Discover-John spake the mailing address. While I am not so naive as to question his ability to look up a simple business address in a directory, a sharp pain in my spinal column told me he'd ripped it from my thoughts. What heroes could I call on to save me from this invasion? None, thought I, for all who tried would be turned into rabbits. The faux conversation took a sudden turn.

"Okay, Mr. Burdette, I have a script I need to read to you. I just need a simple yes or no to each of the following questions. This will be recorded."

Recorded? No! Not a recording of spoken words, but rather a recording of my very lifeforce, drained from me by this warlock. Were not two of my souls enough? The greed emitted by this ravenous monster became tangible and formed a separate, living entity altogether. I heard them high five.

"Um, okay," I puked.

"Just remember, when I ask you your position in the company, you say 'administrator.'"

As though I could forget reality's shift.

"Got it."

"Okay, we're recording. Sir, can you please state your name?"

Don't do it! Fight back!

"Aaron Burdette."

Not like that, you fool!

"And your position in the company?"

Here's where I'll get him, thought I. I shall thwart him by sheer force of will!

"Administrator."

Damn it! If only I could've reached my mocha! But the phone cord taunted me with its miniscule length. A length I seem to recall being greater before this call from Cthulu...

"And super fast talking you can't understand. Is this correct?"

His words were incomprehensible, and yet I followed him like the God King of Blood Mountain.

"Yes."

"And some more super fast talking you can't understand. Is this correct?"

I felt Death's grip tighten. All around me my fears and failures rose as an indomitable army. I saw them raise their firearms and bayonets, coming ever closer. One guy in the back was setting landmines, just to be a jerk. I closed my eyes and readied my predetermined answer. In unison, the ghostly army asked if I was prepared to die.

"Yep."

"I'm sorry, is that a yes?"

The army vanished, except for that landmine guy. He stepped on his own trap and exploded. What did the beast mean, "is that a yes?" Throughout the history of English and most other languages, "Yep" has been an informal replacement for "Yes."

"Uh, yeah."

"I'm sorry, sir, I need you to say 'yes.'"

The remains of his spell shattered. There were indeed rules to this creature's mindgame! Discover-John only responded to hyper-literalism! My wits returned to me, and I subtly reversed the tables.

"Well, okay. Yes."

"And you authorize Discover to send you these materials, at which point you will be begin a 30-day free trial?"

Screw you, demon.

"Affirmative."

"Is that a yes?"

"Affirmative."

"Sir, I need you to say 'yes.'"

"Okay."

I said nothing more, listening as the now-pitiful, wholly human voice attempted to regain its ground.

"Are you going to say 'yes?'"

"Affirmative."

"Sir, I can't continue unless you say 'yes.'"

"Yes."

"Okay. Upon completion of your 30-day trial you will be charged monthly to remain a member. You must cancel before the end of the trial if you wish to receive a refund. Do you understand?"

Finally his motive became clear! After all his hypnosis, all his mind control, he wanted nothing more than money. The devil as a common thief. For a moment mercy crossed my face, but it was quickly driven away when I realized I could reach my mocha again.

"Duh."

"Sir, please say 'yes' or 'no.'"

"No."

"What?"

"I won't say yes or no. You just talked really fast to try and trick me, and now you're trying to get me to agree to a free trial of something I don't understand or want. Pretty shady, dude."

"Sir, are you saying 'no?'"

"Hell yes I'm saying no. That clear enough for you? NO. DON'T KEEP TALKING."

He could not hide his contempt for me, but I paid it no mind. I had overcome him. He reeled from me, returning to the chasm he called "Home Sweet Bottomless Pit." In what trial had I been enrolling? I thought it best if I never knew. Most likely it would have been torture or Columbia House, and the thought made me shiver despite myself. The beast grumbled and growled on the other end, knowing he would have to do this all over again in a moment. He feigned politeness.

"Have a nice day."

"No."

But I did anyway.